Resident Evil 7 Biohazard: “Resident Evil 7: Biohazard – How to Survive Mold, Maniacs, and Questionable Dinner Parties”

You’re Ethan Winters, just a regular guy who made a series of poor decisions, starting with checking his email. Your wife, Mia, who has been missing for three years, suddenly sends you a video message saying, “Hey, come find me in the middle of nowhere at a spooky, abandoned-looking mansion.” And because you’re clearly allergic to self-preservation, you think, “Yeah, that sounds like a great idea!”

So off you go to the Baker family estate. Spoiler alert: It’s not a cute fixer-upper.

The good news is, Resident Evil 7 keeps the controls simple enough for you to manage while having a full-on panic attack. The bad news is, no amount of simple controls will prepare you for the horrors you’re about to face. Here’s a quick rundown:

WASD/Left Stick: Move your body directly toward danger like the brave idiot you are.

Shift/Right Trigger: Sprint! You’ll be doing this often, particularly when Jack Baker starts lumbering after you like he’s on a Sunday stroll but with murder on his mind.

Ctrl/Crouch Button: Use this to hide under tables and behind debris when the Bakers start searching for you. Think of it as your “I’m not here” button.

Inventory Management: Because nothing says survival horror like trying to decide whether to keep the precious healing herb or that one bullet you’ll definitely miss with later.

Now that you’ve arrived at the lovely Baker residence, let’s take a quick tour:

The Main House: This is where you’ll spend most of your time, creeping around moldy hallways, dodging the Bakers, and wondering how many violations of the health code you can report to the local authorities. Everything is sticky, gross, and full of rotting things—basically, it’s like an episode of Hoarders, but with more murder.

The Guest House: This is where the game begins, and if you weren’t terrified of abandoned houses before, you will be now. Enjoy getting attacked by your once-loving wife, Mia, as she tries to stab you repeatedly because love is complicated.

The Old House: Ever thought, “Gee, I wish this mansion had more bugs!”? Well, you’re in luck. The Old House is home to Marguerite Baker and her army of grotesque, giant insects. Welcome to Louisiana’s worst Airbnb.

The Bakers are the delightful family who have decided to make your life a living hell. Let’s meet the cast of characters who will hunt you down like a rabid raccoon:

Jack Baker: He’s the head of the family, and he’ll chase you around like he’s starring in a slasher film. Jack enjoys smashing through walls, wielding chainsaws, and generally being invincible because apparently, physics and common sense don’t apply to him.

Marguerite Baker: She’s the queen of creepy crawlies and one of the most unsettling characters in the game. Marguerite can control swarms of insects and lurks in the Old House like the world’s scariest exterminator. Pro tip: If you hear her screeching “Come on down to my bug den!” just run.

Lucas Baker: Think of Lucas as the twisted cousin who never grew out of his prank phase. Except instead of whoopee cushions and stink bombs, Lucas likes to build sadistic death traps and Saw-style puzzles that will make you rethink your definition of “fun.”

Grandma Baker: You’ll spot Grandma Baker hanging out in her wheelchair throughout the house. At first, she seems harmless, but by now you should know that nothing in this game is harmless. Keep an eye on her. No, seriously, keep an eye on her.

From the moment you enter the Baker estate, assume that everything, and I mean everything, is out to get you. The house itself is a death trap, the family is a nightmare, and then there’s the Molded. These creatures are basically a mix between a bad fungus infection and your worst fever dreams. They’re gross, slimy, and love to pop out of walls just when you thought you were safe.

Molded Survival Tips:

Aim for the head. The Molded love taking bullets, but their heads don’t. Use what little ammo you have to pop their skulls like gross, moldy water balloons.

If you can run, RUN. Sometimes trying to take on the Molded just wastes precious ammo and time you could spend screaming and fleeing.

Flame Thrower = Friend. The Molded hate fire. So, in case you needed another reason to embrace your inner arsonist, now you have one.

If there’s one thing Resident Evil 7 wants to remind you of, it’s that you can’t carry everything. With limited inventory space, you’ll be making some tough choices:

Ammo vs. Herbs: Do you want to heal or shoot things? Spoiler: You’ll probably need both at all times, and the game won’t give you enough of either.

Key Items: For some reason, Ethan thinks carrying around a giant crank or a set of rusty keys is more important than life-saving health kits. Priorities, man.

Pro Tip: Find those Storage Boxes. They’re your best friends in this world of pain, allowing you to stash away items for later. Think of them as the last safe space you’ll ever have.

One of the standout moments in Resident Evil 7 is your cozy family dinner with the Bakers. It’s a home-cooked meal like no other, featuring delicacies such as mystery meat (don’t ask what it is) and some choice comments from Jack and Marguerite about “finishing your food” if you don’t want to die. It’s like a nightmare version of Thanksgiving, except instead of turkey, you’re served something that might still be moving.

Surviving the Dinner Scene:

Don’t move. Seriously, just stay put. Jack doesn’t take kindly to dinner guests getting up before dessert, which in this case is more mold.

Pray for Ethan’s stomach.

No Resident Evil game is complete without ridiculous puzzles. Resident Evil 7 is no exception. You’ll be solving everything from shadow puzzles (because apparently, the Bakers were into modern art?) to finding keys shaped like scorpions and snakes. Nothing says “old, abandoned house” like unnecessarily complicated locks and devices.

Puzzle Survival Tips:

Look everywhere. Keys are hidden in places that only a psychopath would think to check. Oh wait, you’re in a house full of psychopaths. Makes sense now.

Check your map constantly. You’ll be running back and forth through this moldy hellhole more times than you can count, so don’t get lost.

Each member of the Baker family has a special surprise waiting for you in the form of a boss fight. Whether it’s Jack chasing you with a chainsaw or Marguerite trying to shove bugs down your throat, the fights are all about survival.

How to Survive Boss Fights (Without Crying):

Use the environment. There are always handy traps, weapons, or explosive barrels nearby. If it looks dangerous, it’s probably there to help you. Or kill you. But mostly help.

Learn the patterns. The Bakers might be invincible, but they all have their weak spots. Marguerite has bug babies, Jack has an ego the size of Texas, and Lucas just needs therapy.

Without spoiling too much, let’s just say you’ll eventually discover the truth behind the Bakers, the Mold, and your wife’s mysterious disappearance. You might survive, but the emotional scars will last forever. At least you’ll get a decent workout from all the running and an unhealthy fear of rural America.

If you’ve made it to the end of Resident Evil 7: Biohazard, congratulations! You’ve endured body horror, psychotic hillbillies, and mold creatures that defy description. You’re now an expert at navigating creepy mansions, dodging chainsaws, and solving puzzles that make absolutely no sense. You’ll never look at moldy bread or southern cooking the same way again.

Good luck sleeping after this one. And maybe take a break before playing the next *