Quasimorph: Almost Every Weapon Broken Down

I’m going to talk about guns and knives and ♥♥♥♥. Real badass stuff. Come stay a while.

Most melee weapons range from B to S tier weapons. Higher tier melee weapons include the Chainsaw, Crusher, MPL-95, Varangian, Macuahuitl, Metal Pipe (let the memes commence), Crowbar, and Razor. These weapons excel because of their accuracy, damage, and debilitating effects– the Chainsaw, for example, amputates victims on a successful hit.

However, its not advisable to take a melee weapon purely because of their statistics. Even Isabella runs need some sort of ranged firepower.

Other melee weapons are B tier placeholders until a replacement can be found. Accurately thrown weapons (eg, all knives) can be used to make up for a lack of ranged weapons.

PRO TIP: If you’re running a full melee cracked-up Isabella or the like, bringing a knife, basic clothing, a bandage, and a splint will allow you to engage targets at point-blank to medium range. Looting is key, as well as avoiding large groups of enemies since you aren’t wearing heavier armor.

Unfortunately, most pistols are middlemen to the damage that their ammunition provides– .42 is Piercing, and 9MM is Blunt. F tier weapons include the Galand, Enigma PT, Galand ULTIM, Ripper, Nail Gun, Eagle, and Igvas Spitter.

D tier weapons include the Moneykeeper, every Starlock except the ADP, Silent Eagle, Hydra-12, and Galand NOVO. Unlike F tier weapons which should be disassembled on sight (even if you have no weapon), these can be useful in a pinch. The Silent Eagle is basically just a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Eagle, and the Hydra-12 is your basic 9MM-spewer.

C to B tier firearms include the every other Hydra model, the Enigma and Enigma M2, and almost every ballistic weapon reskin (there are too many for me to care about). Nothing special about these guns, they just do their job reasonably well. Relying on pistols altogether is a mistake, but these can save you in a pinch. Comparing stats, there are some that are objectively better than others (such as the M2 being better than the OG Enigma), but you can look at the stats and see all of the green arrows pointing upwards.

PRO TIP: Always strive to have 1 weapon capable of dealing blunt damage in your inventory because ARs suck hot ass and should all kill themselves.

A tier weapons are immediately viable anywhere, and include the Scorpion, Flash, Starlock APD, Silver ESP, Eagle ST-13, and Liberator. The Starlock APD being a pistol allows it to benefit from +40% pistol accuracy, as well as that one perk that reduces spread by a climbing number of degrees, effectively turning it into a death sentence for anyone pointed at the other end. If you load it with dragon’s breath, comment down below so I can give your steam profile the Wholesome award.

Important to note is that the Scorpion is a pistol and not a submachine gun, making it benefit from +40% pistol accuracy. With special 9MM ammunition, the Scorpion can strip a man or woman of their flesh in seconds. Armored targets not so much.

PRO TIP: Loading the Stardock APD with slugs is a surefire way to kill Wheelchairs. ♥♥♥♥ Quasimorphosis, all my homies be sacrificing people to the Church of Revelations.

S tier weapons are all of the Liberators besides the standard one, the Flash-M and Hel Trinity. Liberators are this world’s equivalent of the .357 Magnum (it was in use by the FBI for a reason), the Flash-M has incredible damage, and the Hel Trinity has a 60% critical strike chance, augmented even further through perks. I’ve only picked up the Hel Trinity once, but it DID solo a baron, so yeah I’d say it’s good on anything that can’t withstand BEAM damage.

There are no F tier shotguns. In fact, rating systems don’t apply to shotguns. There’s only good ones and bad ones. The good outnumber the bad, but you still gotta watch out for ♥♥♥♥♥♥ ones.

The Border FN-4, the Taiga models, Heretic (lemme explain), Jeffhammer models, Anathema, Silver-SED and the Barracuda are all some of the best weapons in the game. They DO exist on a skill spectrum, however. Heretic reloads need to be managed carefully, and automatic shotguns eat ammunition like I eat my wife’s cooking. It goes without saying that ammo availability plays a serious role in what weapons you’ll end up using, but prioritizing shotguns, irrespective of what’s available, is the difference between surviving in this game and not.

Shotguns and heavy melee weapons have some of the highest single damage values in the game, which means you’ll have to build for accuracy. Laser shotguns (such as the Discharger and Supernova) have the highest accuracy of all shotguns (40%). Ignore that number, as you fire about twenty separate pellets, and it’s very hard to dodge a wall of buckshot. Stacking accuracy helps, however, especially in making stupid long-range shots.

Bad shotguns include the laser shotguns, the Quasimorph shotgun, and Wreck.

Laser shotguns use priceless ammo– remember that you’re fighting the lowest of the low, and killing them with a weapon worth more than their entire lives is just bad economics.

The Quasimorph shotgun uses ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ammo that can’t be replenished easily; its damage values may be good looking, but it has 25% accuracy (the worst of any shotgun). Cold damage itself is also a hit or miss, as it can either be straight up countered or not, no in-between.

The Wreck is bad. ‘Nuff said.

PRO TIP: This list means nothing if you intend on farming high-end equipment from companies like AnCom or Realwear. Carnage Pattern is a ♥♥♥♥♥, and the laser shotguns suddenly make sense to use.

“I sense a good return on investment,” one merc proclaims, leveling a Liberator to my head.
I laugh in capitalism. “My ammo alone is worth more than your whole ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ retirement fund.”

Ah yes, my absolute favorite subset of weapons. They fill so many categories.

The sole inhabitant of the C tier for SMGs is the Spit. Like my guy, I want to give that dude AIDS but he’s all the way over there. Leave your can of green spray paint at home– it’s worth more to disassemble it for profit. Still my personal favorite (it looks cute).

B tier has some chest-hair: Storm TT, Genie’s Hand, and Storm ANCM. Why do I put both Storms in the same category? Because neither of them are Torment, that’s why. Yes, the Storm ANCM has objectively better stats– who can argue with math–, but the reload time is 3 ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ AP. I like reloading my submachine guns in 0 ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ turns. 9MM is plenty, I don’t need an assault rifle’s worth of reloading. Genie’s Hand is just mid (like a lot of Q-weapons are), but I’ve had some success when using it. Maybe it’s luck and bias.

A tier includes Crash-17, Flash MG-76, Torment MAF, both Mantis, Taurus, Uprising, and Silver-SEPP. The Mantis, Taurus, and Uprising all have decent damage profiles because they’re chambered in .42. The Flash MG is useful for taking down hordes (while being too expensive, it is very good), and the Crash is here because buckshot is king– another personal favorite gun. The Silver-SEPP not using any ammo AND being an automatic weapon is an extremely good combination.

S tier belongs to the Crash’s big sister, the MOD.P. This is one of THE guns of all time, and can be chambered in a flechette shot for maximum anti-infantry power.

Contrary to popular belief, not all ARs are god-tier. That spot belongs to shotguns. Most ARs are ultimately reskins, but there are two main points to look out for: maximum condition and ammo capacity. You’ll be reloading these guns for half of your natural and unnatural lifespan, and their damage values are roughly the same. The Omega II has the highest damage, in case you wanted to know.

However, ARs benefit from a specific type of playstyle: non-aggression. You absolutely cannot walk into a room and empty your magazine. Actually you could, but only once. After that you’ll have an empty gun while the entire next two rooms know exactly where you are. You must use these guns at range, and with restraint, for their ammo isn’t exactly plentiful. The only time you should switch to full auto and empty a mag is when you’re certain the alternative is death; cornered prey is a dangerous and beautiful thing to behold.

Mediocre (B tier) ARs are the AZ-96, Kovrov, SR-78, and Wheel of Pain.

Ironically, the Wheel of Pain is very good, but it is easily outclassed by its peers. Ammunition for the ♥♥♥ can be found without looking, and you can easily dump a mag into a room without regret. If you’re one of those people that load the gun with Nails of Pain I hope God has mercy on your damned soul.

A tier ARs are the FMAF-300, Rogue AR, Red Outcast, Retribution, and Omega II. I’ve never used the FMAF, so I’m only looking at its stats. The Rogue AR and Red Outcast are the same ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ gun, but the Outcast has an extended magazine. The Omega II is an expensive solution to a cheap problem. The Omega II should only be pulled out for precision single shots or against Quasimorphs and late game enemies. This thing will make short work of Carnage Pattern.

S tier weapons are the Retribution and AEV-Supremacy. This is the only Q-weapon I’m going to rank so highly, and it’s because of its range. Slapping this with +2 range turns it into a very cheap sniper rifle. You’ll have to make sure you maximize accuracy and spread, however. The Retribution is one of the better weapons in the whole game. A Retribution/Jeffhammer loadout pisses lead and usurps the legions of hell. This is how I repay that weapon.

No not that Mark.

Most of these guns are bunk. Half of them, anyways. The other half you’ll never find because they’re so elusive, but I’ll rank ‘em because that’s what you’re here for, ain’t it?

PRO TIP: The Crossbow made somebody rage-quit. Do what you will with that info.

F tier weapons are the Hunter, Hunter RX, Serpent’s Mouth, and Bishop. The first two are absolutely disgusting. Every time you left click with a Hunter in your hand, the ozone layer gets thinner. Serpent’s Mouth is less of a gun and more of a ceremonial weapon, and the Bishop has a 5 turn reload. What are you doing in those five turns, writing the manual for how to reload the damn weapon??

C tier weapons include the Ash-Shamsa’s Staff, Archbishop, Enigma Supreme, and Nakhjir. The Archbishop is a much more viable weapon than its smaller brother. The Enigma Supreme is GUARANTEED to do 40 damage on a successful hit, killing most targets in a single shot. Ash Ketchum’s staff is very ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, but its funny to freeze someone and watch Quasimorphs tear them apart.

SMALL TIP: The staff takes five turns to reload for one shot. It can be considered a joke weapon not viable in any loadout, but that is the opinion of fools. I dare you to take it on a defense mission, as well as a Servo Backpack (or the merc with +1 weapon slot). You can cause chaos by forcing infighting amongst your opponents while your turrets take potshots at them.

B tier weapons include the Enlightenment, Trigger’s Special, and AMW Snow Wolf. The Snow Wolf has the tightest spread of any marksman rifle, and it’s critical is also no joke. Trigger’s Special also has the same tight spread, reloads one AP per round, and can be used in close range in a pinch. Enlightenment has one of the highest critical damage in the marksman category.

S tier weapons are as follows: Prism, PV-227, and Crossbow. Both the Prism and PV-227 can be considered some of the most efficient and powerful weapons in the game, either insta-killing or setting the poor bastard on fire; there is no escape from death-by-charged-protons.

I’m going to talk about the Crossbow now, as it is a historic and culturally significant weapon in the Quasimorph community. This is your enemy. THIS is the culmination of your duty as a mercenary to perpetuate horrors across the solar system.

When armed with the Nails of Pain (the default ammo used by Quasimorphs) you will get tapped instantly. In the hands of the player, this weapon is underwhelming, as slaying minimum wage employees with your 10″ rod (not gay) is only so fun for so long. It’s only potential use is Baron hunting, but this assumes that you farm Quasimorphosis, bring adequate food, extra firearms, medical supplies, and flashbangs. It’s great for holding onto for a few turns, but ultimately it should be disassembled.

All machine guns are good– they’re basically bigger ARs. However, one must understand that some of these machine guns need to be replaced or disassembled.

The LPS Whip, Volcano, Thunderstorm, Builder and Itzpapalotl are extremely mediocre for something that weighs almost as much as a full set of armor. Itzpapalotl has UNGODLY damage numbers, but it’s utterly inaccurate.

Not as bad as the Builder, which deceived me for so long before I checked its accuracy. 5%. FIVE ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ PERCENT. Instant garbage, put those needles to better use.

Volcano and Thunderstorm serve better as parts to build the Prism. The Thunderstorm is rather accurate, so take my opinion with a grain of salt. Ultimately, the Volcano should be disassembled.

The LPS Whip is mid. Its damage numbers are good, but that’s all it has. Its condition is also suffering, especially for a weapon you’ll be firing in single shot bursts the entire time.

The good MGs are the Legacy, the Beast (fhtagn), and the Architect. If I see enough people disagree with me, then I’ll put the Itzpapalotl here too.

The Legacy is chambered in our resident heavy cartridge, and it packs one helluva punch. Most of its shots will penetrate your primary target and hit enemies, walls, or doors behind them. Excellent weapon. In fact it’s so good that higher tier enemies will use this weapon almost exclusively, and you will spend hours crying over runs murdered by the Legacy. Your best bet is to outrange these enemies, as getting into a medium range engagement with them is what management calls “workplace incompetence.”

As for the Beast (fhtagn), anyone who says a chaingun is bad has never wielded a chaingun. Its weakness is ammo consumption, but you are obligated to bring this gun back home.

The Architect is a better Builder, boasting better accuracy, spread, and durability. Its reload is 1 AP higher, but that is fine. If you empty 80 rounds into something and it doesn’t die, you probably shouldn’t be shooting at it all.

Half of these weapons will result in your own death. They range from very powerful in their niche to being ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ useless.

The Gorgon is bad, don’t use it unless you want to stack 20 burns on your foot and walk like Patchy the Pirate.

Cutter and Meat Grinder are two different guns built for the same thing: decapitation. Sure, you can fire a spinning 160mm serrated disk at your enemies. It’s very dangerous, and you can cause some gnarly wounds on your enemies. My only grievance is that it can (AND WILL) bounce from an adjacent wall like a boomerang and sever your spine from your brain. It’s an affront to tactics and OSHA.

The H.F.C is the BFG from DOOM. When you press “left click”, the world in front of you gets reduced to atoms. It requires 40 rounds of energy ammunition, so I hate it. Disassemble this. If you can afford to spend your annual salary on firing it a single time, then you’ve probably already beaten the game and don’t care about mortal qualms such as Weapon Tier Lists.

Vermin’s Death and God of Fire suffer from the same issues as the Cutter and Meat Grinder, with one crucial difference: while the spinning discs will end your run instantly, these flamethrowers will give you the illusion that you can salvage your run, when in reality you were damned as soon as they spawned into your world. Avoid/disassemble these instantly. In the hands of enemies, ignore the room entirely until you can isolate the flamethrower and kill them.

SMALL TIP: That’s mad cope. If you wear fire retardant armor, the flamethrower becomes your romantic and sexual partner for the rest of your life– which is due to end soon. This is Quasimorph, after all.

• Grenades are cool. Use them sparingly.
• Never Sprint and Shoot– recipe for disaster.
• Watch Event Horizon; it puts this game into perspective.
• Bullet economy is key. Cool guns do ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ if you don’t have the ammo to fuel ‘em.
• Francis makes your life about 120% easier.
• Tunnel Rats sacrifice other people’s lives for extra ammunition. If you’re running ammo-intensive weapons, Tunnel Rats might be a good choice.
• Prioritize using shotguns against Quasimorphs.
• Don’t attack Fartis (the big round green Quasimorph egg) with guns– the Crusher has the best results on it.
• Safety>Medical>Ammunition>Tradable Resources